At some point in the last week, I realized I had somehow reached a wall inside the cave I’d been living in—and there was nowhere further to go. I needed to turn around.
Much to my surprise, when I turned around, I found I was looking out into a vast, open, sunlit space that I knew to be my life ahead of me—empty, but full of opportunity and promise.
I was startled, because for so many months, I had been experiencing my life as increasingly small and empty; and although it wasn’t exactly dark, it was rather dim, limited, and contained.
Living in the Void
There’s no question but that I’ve been living in a type of void this last year—a place that seemed to get smaller and smaller as time went on…a place in which not much was going on at all, except for a rather rich inner life at times.
In my experience, the void seems to be like this—a place in which outer life appears to dwindle and empty out, and inner life becomes forefront. I’ve been through the void a number of times before—sometimes for a few months, sometimes up to several years. Each experience in the void has had a different flavor.
But all experiences seem to involve a type of letting go—a releasing of what feel like chunks of ego—or maybe more accurately, chunks of ego-identification: parts of myself that no longer match the frequency I’m now resonating at, activities that no longer serve me, relationships that no longer fit who I am.
And they also involve a falling-away of old ideas and beliefs I’ve had. In general, there’s an emptiness of self-ness, and a lack of clear vision of what might be ahead of me. In all ways, there’s a blankness as to who I am anymore. I no longer know who I am.
A Different Kind of Void
But this last experience in the void I’m now emerging from seemed to be different from past experiences in certain respects.
And I believe it has to do with the times we’re living in—times in which many of us are experiencing a certain “death” of our old, third-dimensional selves, a time in which we are are truly beginning to experience Ascension.
A salient feature of my experience was a marked waning of interest in just about every activity I’d ever been interested in before. Passion was absolutely absent—I couldn’t even relate to it anymore. Almost everything out there in the world bored me.
I had a total lack of interest in meeting new people, learning new things, being creative in new ways. There were very few people at all that I wanted to spend time with. In general, I just felt “finished” with life.
I couldn’t imagine anything out there ever again really interesting me. I pretty much just wanted to stay home by myself and simply watch my inner landscape—the only place anything seemed to be happening.
Sometimes, this landscape involved the experiencing of old, heavy emotions and patterns that seemed to push their way to the surface out of nowhere. Other times, there was a pervasive dark mood that seemed to envelop me that seemed to have nothing at all to do with me. Nothing was going on to warrant it. It was just suddenly there—and then some time later, it was gone just as abruptly for no reason.
All this might sound depressing or frightening. But I can’t say that was my experience. Boring and tedious at times, yes—and sometimes perplexing. But not really hard in any way. I can actually say I was genuinely content much of the time.
There were times, however, when I did act against my natural instincts of wanting to stay at home alone and pushed myself out the door to go some place, simply because I thought I “should” be doing something besides sitting home. But this was never satisfying or enjoyable. Generally, I could never wait till I got home again.
But so long as I followed my natural inclinations and I avoided judging myself for my empty life and not doing anything that felt important, I generally felt peaceful and accepting of what was happening.
Much Happens in the Void
I feel that these journeys we make through the void have great purpose. It’s a time to dig deep inside ourselves to see what’s there—both to see what might need to be cleaned out, and to see what is authentically there beyond all the “stuff”.
It’s a time to integrate and allow new patterns that are healthier to be put into place. Without the usual outer distractions, all this can happen more rapidly and effectively.
Now that I look back at this last journey through the void, I’m seeing that much occurred during those days when it seemed like next to nothing was happening. Very subtle, but quite profound, changes occurred.
For one thing, I now feel much lighter. There’s “less” of me walking around. Somewhere along the way, emotional and mental baggage has fallen away. There’s less mind happening.
When I look out into the world or when I interact with people, there is a much thinner veil of mind standing between the world and me—less interpreting of the world, less self-referencing. Fewer thoughts about past or future.
I find I don’t have to work at this—it’s just happening. I’m simply more centered in the present moment in an ongoing way, directly engaged, without the usual clutter of thoughts about what’s happening.
Often I experience enormous joy that bubbles up inside of me for no reason at all. And profound love that sometimes just washes through me, infusing every cell of my being. My perspective in life seems to be much more expansive and optimistic.
I have experienced this kind of state a number of times in the past—exquisitely powerful and poignant states of expansion. (They’ve even happened to me when inside the void, for that matter.)
But this time, there’s a feeling of being grounded deeply in my body while experiencing the expansion.
There’s also a sense of being newly born, fresh, with little outer covering or protection—and little need of it. I experience a sense of childlike curiosity about the world, and a profound wonder at its beauty.
It’s clear this transformation didn’t come out of nowhere. I now see that there were many months I spent in the void, both consciously and unconsciously, in a process of letting go of identity. Much inside me was being taken apart and put back together again in a new configuration. Much like being in a cocoon.
Many of Us are Experiencing The Void
I know a number of people at this time who seem to be experiencing the same kind of experience in the void I’ve been experiencing. Interest in their life has waned, friendships have dwindled down to just the most core of relationships, and there’s a desire to simply spend a lot of time home alone. Old patterns of stuckness or pain occasionally arise, seemingly to be experienced and then released.
I’m guessing that those of us experiencing this have been going through a similar process that is preparing us for the times ahead.
When I feel into these times coming up in 2014, it seems that although some absolutely wonderful shifts are going to eventually transpire in the world, there may also be some profound changes in store for us that may rock us to the core.
I sense we are now definitely entering into the “transition times” the indigenous elders have been telling us about, as the earth makes her journey through the shift into the Fifth Dimension.
Many of the old structures that have held the world together are already falling apart and collapsing, making room for the new. It’s very exciting. But there may be a lot of chaos and confusion for a while, once the changes really start happening.
All I can say is I feel very grateful for this last sojourn through the void, because I now feel better prepared to handle whatever may be coming down the pike.